And now for something completely different...

No, it's not Monty Python, although things seem like slapstick comedy around here sometimes.

It's just me blithering about another boring subject - my dental work! LOL!

The surgeries I had earlier this year are all better and did exactly what everyone hoped. Of course, then there's me, the victim, who had absolutely no idea what everyone hoped because my mouth was "normal" as far as I was concerned.

Of course, I knew it wasn't "right", but it was normal!

Anyway, about three weeks ago I had to go into the regular dentist and have impressions made of my teeth so the dental lab could begin constructing my partials. I had had one set made earlier so the dentist could mess around with it and decide exactly what form the partial would be; the appointment I'm referring to was, however, for the final impressions. These are the ones that would actually go to the lab and be used for the basic mold to build the partial.

What an experience that was. Oh my.

For this round the dentist and her assistant were both on hand. I wasn't too worried about that because the initial set was simply a breeze to do.

But, had I thought about it, I'd have been more worried. You see, between the first set she did, I had three teeth pulled.

That should make things easier, shouldn't it, Kate?

One would think so. But, instead, when you put the impression gook into the trays for the mold, suddenly there are empty spaces that have to be filled, so more of the gook is used to fill in the gaps where teeth used to be.

And although the stuff is fast to set, it becomes an agonizing couple of minutes before the trays can be pulled out.

She did the upper one first. It was a breeze, although I felt like I was going to puke when she took the tray out.

The routine is to do a double set on both bottom and top. So, the second upper tray o'goop was prepared and then inserted. I don't know if they used more on the second round or what, but in the last few seconds as the tech began to remove the tray, it felt as though some of the goop was headed down my throat.

By way of my gag reflex. Deep Throat I ain't.

And I retched. The dentist and assistant were yelling, "NO! Don't do it!!! NO! NO! NO!"

And somehow, by the gods I managed not to throw up. But the tears were rolling down my face and I was sputtering and spitting and felt like a dork and everything in between.

But we still had the bottom one(s) to go. And, they gave me plenty of time to settle down before they did it.

Even so, the switch had been turned on. The tray was put in, and the countdown began for the stuff to set.

Ever watched a cat hack up a hairball? I'm guessing that's how I looked. I hacked and hacked and came so close to puking on the nice folks who were torturing me, that I was wondering what they'd tell the paramedics when they came to take me to the hospital.

"Well, we were taking a dental impression when she began coughing and gagging. When she hurled then took a breath she aspirated dental resin. When you do the autopsy, (if she doesn't make it, that is) you should have some fairly good molds of the inside of her lungs."

Now, by the time we got to this last mold, the regular patients were coming in, so my dentist left me with the assistant about a minute before it was time to take out the mold.

The goop has some leeway when the mold comes out, but the object is to have it as close as possible to what the actual teeth look like, so removal takes on an odd quality of something between a traction move and a headlock in order to disturb the molds as little as possible.

So she positioned herself behind me in something akin to a dental "riding time" move and stuck her fingers in my mouth to take out the tray.

And it didn't budge. She came around to my side and repositioned herself and tried again. Nothing.

I have my eyes closed during all this, but I could feel her breath on my face, so I cracked open an eye and she was right in my face.

She pushed upward on the mold again. It was SO stuck and we both knew it.

I'm thinking, "Oh shit, I'm gonna puke right in her face."

And she says, "Welllll...GODDAMN IT!!!!"

And I couldn't help it. I started laughing, retching and crying because it was incredibly funny. Her eyes got round as could be because she didn't realize till I started laughing that she'd cursed in front of a patient, and then she started laughing too.

So, there I was with plaster of paris type stuff hardening in my mouth and we're both in hysterics. And it still took another two or three minutes to get the thing out.

They wanted to do one more impression, just in case.

I said with more than a little passion in my voice, "NO!!!"

Thankfully, the one did the trick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next week I came back to the office to look at the mock up of my new teeth. Of course you can't try them on because there are other teeth in way that haven't been removed. But, you can hold them up next to your mouth to get an idea of shape and color and all that stuff. The teeth are set in dental wax which is bright pink and does not look the color of a persons gums at all.

And this is the appointment where you have to approve or disapprove and change anything about the teeth you don't like.

I didn't like them. And, we're pressed for time because this all has to be done in time for Kirk and Marsha's wedding on the 22nd.

Remember, if you've never had dentures, partials or bridgework done, this is all foreign territory. Most people have absolutely no basis for figuring out what to do, so I pretty much let my dentist do what she needed to do when she picked out the sample tooth color that she felt matched my existing teeth.

And when I held them up to my mouth, I didn't like them. They just looked...dingy.

Now, I don't want pearly whites that look like white -10. Ed McMann from the old Tonight Show is a perfect example. His teeth are obviously either dentures or overlays and they are so white they are blinding. It's not attractive at all, IMO. So, I definitely was not in the market for anything uber Hollywood. I just want some nice, pretty even teeth.

I don't want teeth that glow under a black light. The scenario that runs through my head is something along the lines of this:

We all agree to meet for a drink at the local watering spot. As bars are usually pretty dark, what light there is comes from various sources.

"Hey, there's Kate. Go join her."

"Where is she?"

"Don't you see her over there? Just follow the glowing teeth."

But the model I was shown definitely was nowhere near that. As I said, they appeared dingy to me. I told the dentist I was disappointed.

She showed me that the match was good; she showed me which tooth she had matched to. Problem was it is a tooth that I've never been fond of color-wise. It's always seemed like a tooth that didn't clean up as white as it should at dental cleanings.

So, we talked about it and she told me that my teeth were in the grey area in color. She showed me another color in the same shade, but this one had an ivory tone to it which was far brighter. The tooth she originally matched to was not a front tooth, but a canine tooth and I really don't think it will be so noticable with the other shade. If it is, than too bad. I'll have to live with it because Tuesday is the day it all happens. Nine teeth will be pulled and the partials put in.

Then I will go back to her on Wednesday and she'll remove the partials and check for any spots that need attention and repair and make sure I know how to put 'em in and take 'em out. I'll have the day off that day, so I've been given the assignment of talking out loud or reading out loud to learn how to form words all over again. She told me I needed to find someone who wouldn't make fun of me while I learned.

I've had way too many new experiences this summer.