Survived another one

I've been very quiet this week because...well...I was close to letting a vulnerable part of myself out and I just didn't want it to happen until the day passed.

Why vulnerable? Well, my dirty little secret is that I try to maintain a very calm, polished exterior, showing a "Warrior" face to the world. Let 'em think I'm tough and don't give a shit. But, I occasionally have days where I slip up on that Warrior thing and just become a hopeless little girl.

You'd think at the ripe old age of 54 I'd be over that stuff, wouldn't you? But, I'm not. I dreaded yesterday...and I couldn't wait for it, either...just in case.

You see, my newest grandbaby turned one year old yesterday - a day of joyous celebration! And last year, on the day of her birth, it was even more joyous, for she was my birthday present!

Yep, yesterday was my birthday. It was the 4th anniversary of my 50th birthday. I don't hide my birthday from people, nor do I try to make a big deal of it, either. But it's a big deal to me inside. I didn't take the day off work like so many people do. First of all, I am involved in this whole training issue at work, and second of all, the fear in me made me want to be anyplace other than alone so I wouldn't be driving myself insane by wondering if anyone would remember it was my birthday.

Crept into the office before I left for work at 5 a.m. Nothing..no e-cards, no messages, etc. My spouse got up, grumbled as he moved his car out of the driveway so I could get out, and didn't bother to mention anything other than his lack of judgement in not moving the car the night before.

Nobody at work remembered, either, even though it's been a topic of conversation ever since Lainie was born about how she made her arrival on my birthday.

It's an odd feeling to have a war with yourself. Even odder to have the child win out over the adult. But, every damned year I think that this year will be different. Maybe some day I'll be on target.

What I want is to have the day be "about me". I want to be spoiled and coddled and made to feel like the day of my birth *meant* something. I want presents that someone chose especially for me, not something useful, or something casually mentioned as in, "Hey, you said you wanted one of those two years ago...should I buy it for you?"

Hell, if I could really live in my fantasy world, the man of my dreams would insist I take the day off and he would too. We'd start the day with hot coffee brought to bedside, then perhaps indulge some time in sensuous abandonment. Plans would be made for the rest of the day...who knows what those plans might be? Maybe a massage, maybe...well...I can think of dozens of directions a day might take. Perhaps an evening out, a glass of wine, good conversation. Maybe a gift or two.

But, what I get is lacking. The phone call I wanted most in the world didn't happen yesterday - but I found a message on my cell phone late this afternoon, so I'm in far better humor now. My spouse didn't remember to give me a birthday greeting till after he arrived home from work late yesterday...then it was, "Happy Birthday...I forgot." Oh, thanks. What a terrific feeling after 34 years.

Of course, my kids remembered. A new CD, a gift certificate for a pedicure, a gift card from Barnes and Noble. Simple things...wonderful things I like. Things that make me feel like at least somebody pays attention to what makes me happy. It doesn't take much. A loving phone call or two, simple gifts of pleasure like those mentioned, even a 50 cent bag of M&M's tickles me if it is given to me with love.

And, I had a birthday reminder from my mother that she loved me and remembered. For those of you who didn't have to deal with me as I went through it, my mother died three years ago. I miss her tremendously, and I woke up yesterday missing her. It was a joke we shared that I'd have to ask her every year how old I was - I didn't need to remember as long as she was alive, you know?

Anyway, yesterday, I was chatting with a patient as I drew her blood. Somehow, the conversation revealed that she was from my hometown. It happens regularly, but usually people don't know who my people there are. But yesterday, the woman did. And she knew my mother well. She carried on and on about how great my mother was; it was an unexpected gift to find someone who remembered her, cared for her, and was given to me as a patient on the day I needed someone like that. I look at it as Mom letting me know she was still watching over me.
I cried all the way home from work - tears of happiness for the gift and sadness because I still miss her so.

But, Lainie's first birthday party was a success. Her mommy made me a birthday cake, too. Luke met me at the door with a hug and said "Happy Birfday, Gamma, it's sissy's birfday too and she's having a party!" I bought Lainie the cutest pair of purple jeans complete with ruffles on the legs and sparkly to boot, with a matching bodysuit. And of course, I bought her a toy appropriate to her age...and of course it makes noise. :)

But, even though things turned out nice, the little girl in me still feels lost and cheated, and like I'm pretty pathetic and not worth much in the grand scheme of things.