Musings while driving

Since I had to work this morning with no guarantee of what time I'd be done, Robert and daughter Vaughn and her husband Pat went down to Robert's mother's home to help get her Christmas stuff out - she's one of those who decorates both inside and outside big time. So, once I finished work, got home, showered, dressed and so on, I had a nice 40 minute drive all by myself. I like driving and I like to use that time to think. Sometimes my thoughts end up being close to profound, too! LOL

I really needed that quiet drive alone to think about some things that have been going on here that may have bearing on my life in one way or another over the next few months.

Anyway, the last three days have been kind of rough on a good friend of mine. She's made one of those life-changing decisions that sometimes spring up suddenly in the lives of the principle folks involved. She's decided to leave her partner who she's lived with for the last two years. Those of us who have been around this situation could see it was only a matter of time before it happened, but it just came down to it being realized by my friend.

So, we've spent the last three afternoons together, looking for a new place for her to live, drinking vast amounts of tea, and occasionally, a shot of Bushmills. Not only is it emotionally draining on couple who are breaking up, it's rough on the people around them, too.

I love it that my friends feel like they can talk to me. I'm amazed that they seek my advice when my life has been hanging by a tenuous thread the last few years.

But what has absolutely boggled me in this is that I found out that my friend's partner is jealous of ME. And not only that, another friend whose relationship is on the rocks said HER partner is jealous of me TOO! I'm totally boggled by this, and was I ever blindsided! I never would have expected to hear such a thing from either of these people. Now, I can't say much more without explaining that the first friend is a bisexual woman with a lesbian woman. The second woman is a lesbian with a lesbian partner.

I don't pick my friends on the basis of their sexual preference. It makes no difference to me whatsoever what happens in their bedrooms. And, when they become involved in a relationship, I am the sort of person who backs away, because I absolutely despise feeling like the "third wheel" . If they want to spend time with me, then they have to invite me to do things until *I* know how I fit into the situation. I know, makes no sense except to me.

I don't think I'm a person anyone should be jealous of, especially a couple of lesbian ladies. They both know me well enough to know that I'm totally committed to the man I love. Yet, this came up under the heading of jealousy - and from the way they talked, it sounded like part of the jealousy was being catagorized under "sex"

Actually, there's a bizarre part of me that's really flattered. Imagine, this 54 year old broad has a couple of people who are wasting valuable emotional time being jealous of...nothing! I'm just that ear that listens, after all.

But, my friend relayed to me that her former partner stated that as far as she was concerned my friend "could have Kate in the 'divorce'." And, that really gives me an odd feeling, for I feel like a piece of property to be parcelled out. This same partner who has been a large part of an event I work with has also bailed on the event which will leave us in a bind for a little while.

So, my musing was on the state of mind that creates issues where none exist. It takes communication to make any relationship work successfully. The relationships of all these women have broken down because one partner in each relationship has been trying to communicate, and the other has been playing a "me, me" game, effectively draining their partners, till they have nothing further to give.

I've been there and done that. In fact, I'm still doing that, but it's helped for me to realize that somehow my hard wiring is such that I need to communicate with people, and I've found friends who seem to be hard wired the same way. All I strive to do is listen and talk *with* my friends, not *at* them. It makes for a better friendship, I think. It doesn't make me anything special, either. It's a symbiotic relationship between friends. We "feed" off each other and both of us are nourished by the exchange. The only place I care to be a "vampire" is at work! And when I listen to them, it's with the expectation that they'll be there for me when it's my turn to fall apart.

I told my friend a few weeks ago that a good friendship is really like a marriage. You have to learn to take the good with the bad, nurture and feed the relationship, share your emotions without judging and know when to take things personally, and when to back off.

There's a phrase that's bandied around the Pagan community: In perfect love and trust. It's one of those phrases that really makes me cringe, for it's abused by the very people who purport to follow it. You see, I have a huge issue with the word "perfect" (unless it's the name of my word processing software, that is) because there isn't a single person among us who is perfect. Yet, we are constantly striving to find that particular vulgarity. Now, it doesn't mean that you should just roll over and die, but people have got to realize that perfection is a sure road to unhappiness. Better to strive for the best you can do; if for some reason it is "perfect" than great! But if it's not, enjoy the bounty as it's been given to you and work for something a little bit better the next time! Friendships and relationships are never going to be perfect; it just takes a lot of hard work to learn to love and to trust. It doesn't happen in an instant.

I'm getting tangled up enough in my thoughts to realize I probably need to quit for now. Maybe it's the triptophan in my turkey, messing with my mind?