When you are a recovering patient...

and your wife is your caretaker:

1. When you are trying to step into the bathtub to get a shower and you slip a bit, do not tell your wife as she tries to hold you upright that she's gained enough weight that if you do happen to fall, she'll be able to pick you up and haul you out of the tub before the paramedics arrive. She may just let you fall and hopefully split open your skull the next time.

2. Do not wax poetic about your hospital roommate and how negative he was while constantly making a point that you were very careful to thank your nurses for their constant attention to your needs. When your wife caretaker tries to do something for you, you think it's perfectly fine to snarl at her for offering to help.

3. Do not make a federal case over the fact that your wife said "fucking fan" when said fan blew a yogurt lid onto the floor, yogurt side down. Explain why it's okay for you to curse at inanimate objects constantly, but if she does it once in a blue moon, it's just not a yogurt lid, it's time to rearrange the living room and criticize her because she hasn't picked up something that's where you now want the fan to be?

4. Do not bitch about the fan that you had to move because it would be so much better in the new location. You really won't get any air from it hitting you when it's blowing to the back of the sofa. Kinda loses the point of having the fan in the first place, doesn't it?

5. Do not shake your wife awake in the middle of the night to tell her that she quit breathing. Yes, she knows that she probably has undiagnosed sleep apnea undoubtedly due to the stress eating that's put on the weight that you've so generously commented on. Instead, a gentle poke will probably startle her enough to resume breathing and not a word needs to be said.

6. Once you've awakened your wife, do not expect her to be in a good mood. In fact, she probably will be thinking about the best way to hurt your brand new knee.

7. Do remember that your wife is a medical professional and probably *does* know more than you do about how to make you comfortable; whether or not you should notify your physical therapist or doctor. Perhaps you should try listening to her. Especially since your phone calls to the doctor and therapist have had the very same answers that your wife already told you.

8. Do not wake your wife up at three a.m. to tell her how much better her breath is now that she's had her dental surgery done. It isn't a kindness, nor a compliment. If it was really that bad, it might have been better to mention the perceived problem when you noticed it, not when it no longer existed.

9. Do not pick a fight with your wife at 12:30 a.m. because you can't get comfortable. She's rearranged your leg support pillows a half-dozen times, she's gotten you another mug of water, which, by the way, you shouldn't be drinking because then you'll have to get up to pee; do not tell her that she's supposed to be in bed because it's 12:30 and you're going to be pissed in the morning because she slept till 9:00 a.m. instead of jumping up at 5:00 a.m. to be at your beck and call. Maybe she could have been up earlier if you'd have not been waking her up every time she quit breathing, or decided to engage her in conversation about her fresh breath, not to mention the latest stories you watched on Fox. You're in there rolling around - what makes you think that she would be sleeping while you bitched and cursed and carried on? What is offensive that she's in the office right next door to your room and typing happily away on the computer?

10. Believe it or not, I do understand that you value your "independence" and that it really sucks when suddenly you're laid up and can't just go do things at will. I also realize that right now you're even more sequestered in the center of your own universe. But, you'd better realize that other people are trying hard to help you and are putting the centers of their own universe in danger. Why did you just hear me for the first time today when I explained to you once again that my job is in danger because I had to take time off to take care of you? And, for the most part, I'm glad to do it; that's what married folks are supposed to do for each other, or so I thought. But, had I realized that this recovery was going to result in verbal abuse like this, believe me, I probably would have considered staying at work. But, for some idiotic reason, I had some sort of notion that it would be valuable for me to be able to help you get to appointments, walk the dogs, mow the lawn, keep up with both my chores and yours for a week till you get back on your feet a little bit.

Yes, it's true. Within 6 hours of his release from the hospital I'd been chewed out enough that I finally told him that I had enough friends to help bury the body. Odd. He didn't like that. Can't imagine why.

I had a lovely time those few days while he was in the hospital. They were busy days because I was working and doing both sets of chores, but when I was done with my work there was no one to comment on what I'd been doing. Maybe 36 years of marriage is enough. You know, for most of those years I was pretty much a mouse hiding in the corner. I think in many ways he's shocked to bits because I'm getting right back in his face when he's being an ass. I know as he gets feeling better, this bad temper will settle down.

But since it's now 1 a.m. I had better go try to get some sleep. I'd better make sure that I am up bright and early so I don't offend the patient. It also came to light in this last argument that I'm supposed to go to sleep at 8 p.m. since I get up at 3 during the work week. He finds it offensive that I take naps a few days a week. Odd, isn't it, that he can sleep in his chair in front of the television set hours at a time, but I'm not supposed nap?

Readers of my blog, I do apologize for the rant. I really AM a nice person, believe it or not! I know I don't sound like it at the moment. But, I'm not going to delete this post. You'll just have to see a dark side of me that I'm not particularly proud of. Such is the way of things. Life goes on.