Many Thanks...

for what?

I can almost hear any readers saying those words to themselves.

I'm thanking you because you keep checking in every day or so, looking for something new from me. There has been very little, yet, you still keep looking.

And, I thank you for that. I doubt you can even come close to knowing how much I appreciate that small gesture.

I'm not trying to be aloof - in fact, every day I come home from work with the idea that I'll sit my butt down in my office and type out something I think you might be interested in reading. But, by the time I can get to the office, I'm just plain worn out.

This enforced togetherness with Robert being home on disability from his knee replacement is wearing on me. I still feel as though I can't do anything right no matter how hard I try.

On the average, I'm getting four hours of sleep a night, and many times only a couple. I'm just tired enough to be a little snarky and think that Robert is being restless on purpose to keep me awake; in reality, he is not being a good patient and doing some things that will benefit him (and me!) tremendously. These things include his pain management. He abhors taking pharmaceuticals, and as a result, he keeps trying to get by without taking his Tylenol and/or Vicodin appropriately. During the day he doesn't seem to need it, but by the time late evening rolls around, he's in pain. And, of course, when he begins to try to overcome the pain with the pain relievers, he's got to overcome a "negative" to get to the "positive" of being pain free.

He's also not doing the therapy quite as enthusiastically as he did when he had his first knee replaced. That's not so bad, though, because his progress is still amazing. The thing is, his lack of enthusiasm is keeping him from progressing to do things like walking the dogs, or driving.

The dogs are getting the short end of the stick, because I'm usually so tired that I just can't seem to muster up anything to take them out for a walk. I guess that makes me a bad mom, huh? I'm glad dogs love us unconditionally, because I'm sure not doing much to win any doggie points from them!

Of course, driving is all up to me, and quite frankly, I'm glad of it. Some of those errands mean I get to have some private time while I'm in the car. I can turn the radio off, I can park the car in the parking space and just sit for a few minutes before jumping out to the next task.

I feel sorry for Robert in a lot of ways. Over the years, his need to dominate conversations and force his political views down people's throats has driven most everyone away. He's isolated himself to the point of being a constant watcher of political shows and sports channels. He has not developed any hobbies, nor passions of any kind that will get him away from the television. And, of course, now he can't even go downstairs to his "cave" because he can't do stairs safely yet. So, we're all stuck on the same floor together.

The dogs are stressed to the max, too. Not only are they not getting walked, they're stressed because they've been used to having down time in their crates for several hours during the day while we're at work. They're used to a quiet house for most of the hours. Now they are "free" from their crates, but subjected to not only noise from the television, but also R's constant need to dialog with the television. Nothing escapes comment, not even commercials.

Both Dolly and Yama are throwing up once or twice a day from the stress they're going through. I've already had them to the vets to make sure it's nothing physical. It's not.

Why don't you take naps, Kate?

I try. Today, as a matter of fact, I set the timer for an hour and asked Robert to please make sure I woke up when it went off. I've tried to explain to him that this is *all* I want to sleep; but since I'm apparently not in charge here, what I want is not to be.

When I fall asleep, I will stay asleep for hours. Trying to make up for the sleep I've lost, no doubt. So, I've figured out, through trial and error, what I need to get by. An hour seems to work.

So, he let me sleep for two and a half hours. Then he got mad at me because I didn't get up and move right away. A nap of that length makes me feel like I've been beaten AND am hung over to boot. It takes me about 20 minutes to even begin to feel like I can get up and around.

I keep telling myself that this will all be over in a few weeks. And, I keep trying to quell the voices in my head that keep reminding me that he's acting more and more like his father who treated his mother like a helpless frail creature who couldn't do anything right. I refuse to turn out that way; she's a helpless being after 60 years of marriage, and now that he's dead, she has to depend on everyone else for basic things because she has forgotten what a capable person she can be!

And, I keep trying to quell the voice of my mother who told me that if I ever left Robert, he'd be lost without me. Thanks for the guilt, Mom. :(

This experience is also seems to be teaching me that Robert seems to have little or no respect for me. Of course, he's already informed me that I'm deaf, I have memory problems and both of these things are very severe. It's never occurred to him that I'm deaf because his mouth runs so much I tune him out. And, if putting the car keys in the wrong place is a sure sign of memory problems, I might as well slice a vein now because it's sure to get worse! LOL!

I'm so sorry this has ended up being a semi-rant. But, this is the only outlet I've got for getting this stuff off my chest. That and a few hours of sleep should make things significantly better in the morning. Thankfully, I have the day off tomorrow, and then have three days off for the weekend and holiday. I hope to get many things caught up. Maybe I'll call one of the kids and have them make their father disappear for an afternoon. I could sure use that peace and quiet!

Again, thanks to Sitemeter, I'm able to see if you've dropped by. Those of you who've called, or dropped an email my way, thanks - it's nice to get that affirmation that I'm not the horrible person I'm beginning to feel like from all the feedback I'm currently getting on the home front.

I promise I'll try to quit being so damn negative, for I know folks don't like to read pathetic ramblings; just be patient with me, okay?

I'm outta here and am headed to bed for what I hope will be a few extra hours of sleep compared to normal.

My best to all of you!