The Phone Call I'll Never Receive (now that I'm itchin' for a fight...)

I have LOTS of daytime minutes on my cell phone. 1000 of them to be exact. But, I'm not attached to my cell phone like so many are. I use about 60 minutes of that a month.

Why? Do I have some kind of horrible need to pay the cell phone company money (as in pounding sand down a rat hole)?

No. I'm just old enough and maybe wise enough to not want to be in constant communication with everyone on a 24/7 basis.

So, I have a land line with a listed number that most calls come in on. My cell phone number is given out on a need-to-know basis.

Thus, it surprises the heck out of me when I get an unknown call. Yep, spam calls.

About a month ago, I'd turn the phone back on after my work shift and find two voice messages. Every day.

The messages were a taped version of a rah-rah message from that guy who sells the exercise equipment on infomercials. The item is called the Ab-doer.

I actually own an Ab-doer. I picked it up about ten years ago at a used sports equipment store for a few bucks. Come to think of it, it's kind of ooky to think I've been concerned about the state of my belly for that long and am still fighting the losing battle.

Probably it would help if I actually *used* the equipment.

But, enough about that.

Anyway, the rah-rah message took up about eight minutes of my valuable day time minutes each day. It's not like I miss the minutes, you understand...it's the point of the phone call - they're NOT supposed to be getting in touch with me! They're supposed to be getting in touch with some other out of shape sucker!

Finally, I happened to be attached to the phone when that number rang in. I answered it, and amazingly, there was a real human being on the other end. I asked him why he was calling, told him that I wanted my phone number taken out of their database and he apologized and I've not heard a thing since. That's amazing in itself!

But then, last night the phone rang. The number was an unfamiliar area code. The message was from Radonna who wanted to get in touch with Stanley Mosler regarding the past due first payment on his piece of exercise equipment.

Ah, SHIT! Now I'm going to get credit agency phone calls on my cell phone.

So, it's time to try to nip this in the bud.

I *tried* to call them back today. I wasted my valuable daytime minutes, even. I was put on hold for somewhere around 20 minutes waiting for the next available representative to be free.

Finally someone picked up the phone. Eeennglish vas not her first language.

"Vat is yor name, pliz?"

"My name is not important. I am calling to talk to Radonna at extension 123 about a phone call that is being placed to me in error."

"Pliz let me put you on hold." (30 second delay)

"Hallo? Vat can I help you with, pliz?"

I explained it again.

"I need must know vat kind of item was purchased to direct your call."

"It sounds as though it's a piece of exercise equipment, but I'm not certain. Please transfer me to Radonna at extension 123."

"Pliz, I must put you on hold again." (sighs)

"Hallo? Pliz give me your name."

"You will not have my name in your database. But the name you are apparently trying to reach is for Stanley Mosler. Apparently he's given you a bogus phone number which happens to me MINE."

"Pliz, I put you on hold again." (another minute on hold)

"Mrs. Mosler, I must know your zip code."

"First of all, I'm NOT Mrs. Mosler. And, no, I'm not giving you my name, nor my zip code. You don't need them. They are not in your database. Some idiot has given you a bogus phone number and I want you to quit calling me."

"Pliz, I must put you on hold again." (Two minutes go by)

"Pliz, I must ask you for your email address."

"Are you crazy? I'm not giving you my email address, nor my name or my zip code. Please transfer my call to the person who called my number...Radonna at extension 123."

"She is not available unless you give me the information I axed you for."

"I am not giving you information that will be meaningless to you. I am requesting that you transfer my call to the appropriate person, or your supervisor."

"Pliz, I must put you on hold again."

This time, after about 15 seconds, the line went dead.

You can bet that now I'm seriously hoping for a return call from this number. I *really* want a piece of someone at that company.

Pliz? Pretty pliz?