Reinvention is the Mother of Necessity

I love to reinvent things. I think it's why I like craft shows, craft and hardware stores and HGTV. There always seems to be a good idea somewhere that will use up something in a friendly way, be it environmental, donation, or freecycle.

Eh. Sounds like the buzz word of the moment: "Decluttering" You see it everywhere, on magazine covers, on voice over ads. Background screams are taking us back to a more simple life, or so it seems.

I'm all for it. It just gets a little uncomfortable, sometimes when I look around my very cluttered office, or realize that I may be on the verge of reinventing myself once again.

Today's mischief seems to be aimed at reinventing me, although the office could definitely use some attention, too. Or a match.

To a degree, there has been a big part of me which has enjoyed *not* being at the beck and call of my computer. But, it was also a somewhat lonely time, for I enjoy the friends I've made in cyberland very much. Coming back to this small universe centered in my office has meant being accountable to email, paying attention to group lists and acquaintences I've not visited with for a long time. It's good...and it's decidedly uncomfortable at times.

Some time back I spoke about the trouble I'm having with a dear friend of mine. Although things are somewhat better, I'm sad to report that while I would have defended her thoughts and deeds to the hilt in the past, now I can see some of the things that have turned people off toward her. And, it colors my world where she is concerned. Though I don't want to be like that, the sad fact remains that I have to allow her her humaness as I hope she allows me to be as well.

I'm part of a Pagan group on the 'Net. Good people, with strong convictions and sensible thoughts. Most of the time our politics agree, but even when they don't, we've been able to discuss things without major trauma. I've been fortunate to be a part of the committee that steers this group. Recently, life has stepped in and created a vacancy for one of the members, and discussion is underway to consider the potential of a replacement. My friend is one whose name has been brought up...not by me, however.

This makes me feel as though it may soon be time for a little reinvention of myself. Part of this is because my little brush with death last weekend seems to have created a bit of a monster. I'm finding a voice, which normally has been stuffed in a box; I wonder if anyone cares one way or another if the ghosts within are loosed. I'm doing a good job of stuffing the ghostly ether back in the box and slamming the lid for now, but I really need to bring those thoughts into the light of day; and that's what blogs are good for!

I find I am feeling constrained by the people I hang around with. It sounds appalling when I word it like that. What I mean, though, is my local group of Pagan friends feels as though they've become freeze-dried and brittle. Roughly 90% of my social life revolves around these people. We used to have some sort of gathering almost every weekend; We'd meet for coffee at Barnes and Noble one Sunday, the next we'd have a Pagan meeting, then a potluck, then Craft circle. There might be some other gatherings as well which might not be Pagan in nature, but still the same group of people.

Now, my friend may be nominated for this group vacancy and I want to run far far away. I feel like this group of people has absorbed into my complete cellular system, and I have no way of escaping this part of me.

That's one of the reasons I have this blog with people I have known or known about for a long time. The people who I spend the major part of noncyberworld with have not been invited to share in my thoughts on this blog. It's vital for me to feel as though I have places in the world to peer into without feeling like I'm stuck in the same old small town with no hope of escape.

Should the time happen that my friend is the chosen person to join the committee, I am currently thinking I will step down from my position on that board. I will miss it if it happens, but I feel the necessity. It's just one more way that a person in my immediate social group has access to yet another piece of my life. I'm being a rebel, an independent. I don't want to become a diluted version of a group mind-think. I want to be more like Hugh of the Borg, who bucked the system where he could, taking comfort in basic things, but always able to strike out on his own.