The saying is that when one door closes, another opens. Seems to be the case, but it's wearing to say the least.
Those few of you who are left who might be reading this know that some time back, I came to the undiagnosed conclusion that Robert probably is on the autism spectrum, specifically Asperger's Syndrome. Since I haven't been blogging in this space, it may sound as though I'm just discovering this, and in many ways, I really am.
Our dear grandson, Luke, was recently diagnosed "formally" with Aspergers. We've known/suspected it for quite some time, but the kids held off as long as possible in formal diagnosis, not wanting him to start school and be "labeled", if that makes any sense at all. So many of the things which could be suspect could also have been nothing more than typical kid behavior, but some things got worse, others better.
And, of course, Grandma starts researching these things to understand as much as possible. What I discovered in the early research was the genetic link, and also the vaccination debate over autism. Both are valid in this case.
As soon as I knew there was a test to take for Aspergers - one to give the professionals a starting point, I took it. As I was adopted, I have no idea of my medical history, so I knew I could be as suspect as anyone else in the family. But, I cleared the test. *whew*
I asked Robert to take the test. In his usual fashion, he put it on his side table, and forgot it existed. I went to Barnes and Noble and bought books on the subject and read them cover to cover. It was sad, funny, amazing, and pick any other descriptives you want to find the Robert should have, by rights, had a picture on every page!
And while I have kept this in the back of my mind, it was only pushed forward when I found out that Luke's medical team had determined that he does, indeed, have Aspergers.
So, I headed into the books again, this time, thinking that someday Luke will be a grown up and I wanted to see if anything had been written from the research end of things about adults with Aspergers.
Found a book, of course...several, as a matter of fact, then followed up with being able to attend a lecture by Temple Grandin.
What I've been reading is both heartening and disheartening. It reaffirms so many things I've lived through with Robert. It explains the outbursts of venomous anger that dissipate once off his chest, while leaving me angry, hurt and curled into a little ball of pain. It explains why he had to go put on his shoes when I fell off the icy step, laid in the snow thinking I had possibly broken my back. It explains why, to be blunt, we have shared a bed, but not had sex since 1989. It explains why marriage counseling never worked. It explains why it will be next to impossible for him to believe in a diagnosis if someone suggested he has Aspergers.
And, it does its best to explain what the spouse or significant other of an Aspie needs to do to survive.
It's a little late for me in some respects as I've had to figure much of it out myself. But, it's nice to know that I was not the evil bitch I was purported to be. It tells me not to sell myself short, to carve a life out for myself because he'll always be more focused on what's important in his life, and what's important to me just won't matter overmuch. Of course, it will matter some, but not to the extent it would with another non-Asperger partner.
So, now I have to dig deep down and discover even more of some undefinable Warrior spirit to deal with this without beating myself up in the process. I have to remember that time frame where I assumed the Spock role and tried to think of everything in a very dispassionate and logical sequence. I need to bite my tongue and realize his negativity is due to him not being in his comfort level and complaining will help him deal with it.
But, with that, I also have to be aware that I'll likely never have much of a chance to ever sleep wrapped up in a lover's arms, whether I snore or not; I'll likely never get another birthday or Christmas gift unless one of the kids presses the issue with him, because I certainly won't. I'll likely never get to have those "couple things" I am silly and wishful about, things like waking up on a Saturday morning, getting out of the house and going to a coffee shop for a latte and a pastry. Impromptu things are just out of the question. And, my little girl-child cries in silent, great gulping sobs of self-pity, till I can give her a shake and tell her to straighten up and put her big girl panties back on.
Will I be able to do this? Of course. Will I like it? No, not at all. But, I'll be stronger for it in the long run. I just do wish I could have had a full partner in life instead of this.
Okay...vent is over for now. Time to find my pillow and get ready for another work week.
Kate
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