How to Break a Cell Phone

throw it under the deck

One of the things I absolutely hate about cell phone plans is their utter lack of understanding when one's cell phone takes a dive. Of course, I understand this because I'm sure there are people who would exchange their cell phones every single time there was something to upgrade to. And cell companies are in the business to make money, after all!

But, as I usually do, I digress from the focus of the story.

My cell phone got damaged this summer due to a wardrobe and body malfunction.

The story began on a very hot and humid July day. If you've never experienced Iowa or other parts of the Midwest in July, you've never experienced Florida in the summer or the total misery of living without air conditioning in a sauna-like environment.

It was gorgeous that day. The sun was shining brightly, the sky was as blue as could be. The grass had not yet begun to sizzle and get to that crispy, pre-brown stage of August. The clouds in the sky varied from cirrus whisps, to small, cumulonimbus cotton balls. But, the temperature was in the upper 90's.

It seems you can begin processing the state of the weather around 4 p.m. It's a defining time frame of what might develop. Suddenly the air becomes oppressive, it seems as though you should just grab a knife, cut a chunk of air and chew it in order to breathe. If you've gone through this a time or two, actually leave your house and go outside, and don't trust everything you see on the weather channel, you can determine what might happen.

That day was no exception. Suddenly the air was oppressive. The dogs, who normally wanted to play around in the yard were looking for shady places to stay cool. It got to the point that we were almost praying for a storm to relieve the thick oppression.

It wasn't long before reports of potential severe weather began popping up on the local TV stations. They were several hours to the west of us, but - this is Iowa. Thunderstorms have a very brief gestation time, and once they begin popping up, they become contagious rapidly.

We were soon under a tornado watch. That means conditions are "right" for the development of tornadic activity.

As dusk approached - actually, not dusk at all, simply clouds rolling in - it became apparent storms were in the area. What would happen was anyone's guess.

Without warning, the tornado siren began wailing. We looked at each other, baffled, because the sun was still brightly shining, even though we could see clouds rolling in from the west. We checked our local station, and sure enough, programming was interrupted to bring the latest news.

Tornado on the ground about 12 miles southwest of our house. YIKES! That's WAY too close, especially when it comes with literally no warning lead time.

My MOS for tornado season is to have kennels set up in the basement for the hounds and the cat, leashes ready on the table to hook them to in case of panic. If I've been barefoot or in sandals earlier, I switch to tennis shoes. I grab my checkbook and credit cards, my cameras, my laptop, photos and whatever cash I might have in the house. And, of course, the cell phone.

This tornado dropped so quickly, we'd not had time to do all the incidental things, such as eat dinner (it was still in the oven), potty ourselves and the dogs.

It was so humid and miserable that day that minimal clothing was the attire. I had on loose workout shorts, a tank top, bra and panties. No pockets.

I stuffed my cell phone in my bra. Then we shooed the dogs out the door to go potty before heading down to the basement.

They did what nature intended them to do, and we called them inside. But, it was the time we generally take to play with them in the yard, and they were giving us clear indication that it wasn't time to come back inside, but time to play!

I headed down the steps to begin herding them to the door.

The sky is almost totally black by this time, and huge drops of rain are splatting. It's gonna get ugly. The Shelties finally scrambled up the steps and into the house. Robert is standing in the doorway, waving his arms. I'm down on ground level herding them toward the door.

The poodle gets spooked by the unusual activity. She bounds off the deck, and runs to the back of the yard, I'm in pursuit. She thinks I'm playing and gets a silly Poodle grin on her face, as if to say, "Yeah, Mom!!! let's play!!!!"

I chase her back onto the deck. Robert is still waving his arms. She spooks, tries to head back down the steps. I'm in a football lineup crouch to head her off.
And, just as the giant water drops turn from big splats of moisture to full-fledged downpour, my cell phone decided my body position, my sweat, and my lack of bosom made it the perfect time for escape.

The stupid phone ricochetted out of my bra, between the steps, and into the murky depths of the land under the deck.

It was pitch black out, rain is pounding. I'm soaked completely, hair dripping waterfalls into my face, clothes so wet you'd think I'd been in the Dead Sea. The rain is so horrific you literally cannot hear anything but a dull roar, and the question was if it was rain or a tornado?

And, I cannot see my f***ing phone. I had a brief wish that somehow someone would call right then so the thing would light up. Did that happen? NOOOO!

Instead, I had to run inside, grab a flashlight. No luck - still didn't see it. I yelled to Robert to call my cell phone from inside before the power went off. He looked at me like I had lost my mind. "I don't know your cell phone number!"

I ended up running inside, grabbing the portable phone, bringing it outside and calling my cell while I shinnied under the deck. As soon as it began ringing, I spotted it. It had flown back underneath about eight feet, way farther than I would have ever thought! I grabbed it, slithered back out from under the deck and ran downstairs.

The back had broken off the thing, but I worked with it and got it to stay on, finally. It never worked right after that. Finally gave up working a couple of months ago and I had to replace with 11 months left in my contract.

At least I have a few months left before I have to figure out alternatives for cell phone pockets. Or at least, better placement in my bra!