Update

This will be a brief post. I haven't blogged for a while because I've been trying to absorb as much as I can about Asperger's Syndrome and how it may or may not relate to my life. Of interest is the new Jodie Picoult novel in which one of the main characters has A.S. I haven't bought the book yet, but I will when I have the opportunity.

What I can say, however, is reading about A.S. has made a difference to me, if not to him, on my feelings about a lot of things. By my learning of the things that make life distinct for Aspies (their term for themselves) I've been better able to overlook some of the things that have made me feel badly about myself for so many years. While that may sound selfish of me, I want those of you who read this to know that it's like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders - that I'm NOT a bad person, NOT a bad mother, NOT unfeeling and uncaring, selfish or a bitch to live with.

I've been able to cut him a break. Understand I'm not actually treating him any differently, only am able to look at many of his totally focused energies on sports and politics to be his passions. So, I'm able, for myself, to be less resentful of the time he spends with the TV, the intensity that he gives to them.

HOWEVER...

This does not excuse rudeness or bad behavior.

Last night I had to grab my keys and cell phone and leave the house. Was I in danger? Yes, for a few seconds, I most assuredly was. Did I call the cops? No. The truth of it is until he would actually assault me, I will not involve law enforcement, knowing what I now believe are simply A.S. reactions. I got in my Jeep, drove over to the lake and then drove around for about an hour. Then I thought of my dogs and was afraid if his anger had escalated after I left, the dogs might have been hurt. So, I returned.

Drama, drama, drama.

I'd had a pleasant day, he was working. In the grocery business, holidays are horrific. People wait till the last minute to plan and prepare huge family meals, or they're looking for great deals on holiday favorites. And stores tend to not schedule as heavily as they should because many people want time off with their families. At any rate, that was the case for him. And, he'd had a really bad day. He came home and his shoulder was hurting again. He iced it down and relaxed, watching some Final Four basketball action.

Then while I fed the dogs, he stepped outside to start the grill, and do a little yard detail. I joined him, visited with our new neighbors, and played with the dogs, then put the dinner on the grill. He came back inside to watch more of the game. He was screaming passionately about the game...the kind of screaming that is totally uncontrolled, the kind of screaming that makes your throat sore.

I said, "ROBERT! Tone it down! Jesus Kerrist!" I mean, sheesh, all the windows were open wide, there were people in the neighborhood out walking dogs, doing lawn work, etc., and it seriously sounded like an axe murderer was running amok in here.

Maybe I could have been more polite about it, to be sure. Maybe it's my fault and I deserve the browbeating I got. But I don't think so.

He flew out of his chair and began berating me for criticizing his yelling. As he began, I was on the way to take the brats off the grill and turn the thing off, so I was outside. I heard him go down the hall to my office, because I'm pretty certain he thought I was in there "on the computer again". I heard him saying something about he watches TV, and doesn't go out and fuck other women or words to that effect...whatever that meant, I'm not sure.

When I came back in he was in my face. Said he (sarcastically) was sorry he was embarrassing my ass, etc. I thought he was going to hit me. I took a step back, grabbed my car keys and my bag and headed out the door without saying a word. He screamed after me, "You mean you can't even talk to me when I'm yelling at you?"

I took off, losing a little tread in four of my six gear shifts. As I said earlier, I was gone for awhile. When I returned, I found him down in the family room watching the other TV...not even basketball, simply watching/listening to music channels. He did eat dinner. I did not. I hid in my office till ten or so then went to bed. He spoke to me briefly this morning to tell me he'd fed the dogs, then he was off to work.

I'm going to go to the store shortly, grab some stuff for the crock pot and get it started, then I'll be assured that there will be supper on the table. Then I'll see what the day will hold for me. Whichever of my friends gets to me first is who I'll spend the day with.

I don't know what will happen next. I guess it's drama time again. Film at 11.